Cultural Dysphoria · Poems · Prejudice · Relationships · Self-Determination

Poem: Somebody else was in control

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They told me I had to be a girl.

Can you imagine being told you are a girl?

Somebody else was in control. 

At three years old, they told me my body could never pass as a boy.

Can you imagine being told your body is wrong at three?

Somebody else was in control.

So, as a teen, they locked me up for months at a time.

Stuffed poison into my body, to numb the pain.

I became a walking zombie.

Diagnosing me the sick one.

The wrong one.

The broken one.

 

Estrogen

Somebody stepped inside my soul.

Little by little they robbed and stole.

Somebody else was in control.

So, a girl emerged to please you.    

 

A lifetime wasted

I saved myself an emerged my birth right.

And now we have no family.

Because they think I am the wrong one.

You liars, you convinced this world! 

I have a will for survival.

So you can hurt me, and hurt me some more

I can live with denial

But you’re not my troubles anymore.

By Anunnaki Ray

July 18th, 2017

 

Dedicated to U2 – The Troubles

(This link will take you to Youtube).

 

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Civil Rights · Gender Nonconforming · Intersex Awareness · Questions and Answers · Relationships · Self-Determination

Why when I go to the Emergency Room I mark Both the male and female box.

It is important to understand that for me, being born in the middle as intersex, I need to be medically and socially recognized, as both male and female, to get the proper care I might be needing if I show up at the hospital emergency room, or have to be hospitalized.

First of all, my body is not that of a typical dyadic female or dyadic male.  It is typical for a person born with natural intersex variations.  That is because my biological sex is intersex.  I have not been operated on, and my reproductive system, and genitals have not been altered.  So, my doctors need to know that when examining me, or if I am having problems with my reproductive system, they are going to see things that are not typical.  For example, my ovaries do not appear typical at all when viewed by ultrasound or CAT scan and my skeleton/pelvis is not that of a dyadic women.  I have strange looking ovaries, but am not in pain unless I was ovulating and that was acceptable to me since I wanted to keep my fertility.  Many experts have seen ovaries and immediately suggest that I must be in pain all the time and need immediately surgery, now that I appear a man.  I also have other atypical things going on within my reproductive system, that have never became a medical emergency.  I refuse to have surgery if I am not in pain.  If my ovaries are ok, they will remain in my body to continue to release the natural hormones they were created to do the job for.  I do not have body dysphoria, and want my genitals and reproductive system to be left alone.

Second, my gender, and how I feel my personality to be, is very non-conforming.   Socially I need to be respected as being intersex too.  I may appear either a female or a male in my mannerisms, and my appearance.  My body is very androgynous and it can sometimes confuses people.   I am often mixed up as being transgender even.   Since I am a 46 XX intersex person, that appears a man to this world now, they need to know that too, and that I want to hear male pronouns, or neutral pronouns.  That just because my chromosomes say I am a “girl”, doesn’t mean I am a girl. I am an androgynous, inter-gender, non-conforming male, and have genitals that are not typical to either a typical male or a female.

Third, I legally changed my gender marker to male on my driver’s license, but purposely kept my legal name my birth name, Antoinette.   My birth certificate remains the same as when I was born too.  So, when they see me, they see a female legal name, and a male gender marker.  This immediately honors who I truly am, and they are then I ask them to use my nickname, to address me, since I obviously do not relate to being an “Antoinette” anymore.  Those nicknames being “Ant”, or “Nnaki”.  I also prefer that they use Mx., instead of Mr. or Mrs.  I have never had problems with them honoring this.

Last, I will not be changing my birth certificate to male.  I want to wait until I get the right to change it to intersex.   Right now I do not have that legal ability to do that easily.  I am waiting for this country to catch up so it will not be such a battle. I greatly appreciate those intersex activist that are making this a possible reality in the future for all of us!

Related Blogs:

The two of us, born intersex and named ‘Antoinette’ at our birth.

Seven Names for the SAME thing: Penis, Phallus, Clitoris, Phalloclitoris, Micropenis, Microphalus, and Clitoromegaly.

Mx. Anunnaki Ray and They, Them, Their.

Why did I name myself Anunnaki Ray?

The male/female binary is a Myth!

Here is the United Nations’ Intersex Fact Sheet

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Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Intersex Awareness · Self-Determination

Once assigned female: I am very proud to be a little man now!

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Sharing my thoughts for today, and something that might surprise you!
Lots of guys might have shame being a shorter stature. According to statistics a man is “short”, if they come in under 5’7″ in the USA. I am 5’5″! I have absolutely no shame or body dysphoria. I know I am fortunate that way!
So many people with non-conforming bodies, and atypical genitals are not so fortunate. Be it if we are born intersex with natural bodily variations, or call ourselves transgender, this world can be a cruel cold place for those of us who have bodies that do not conform to “typical”.  This sometimes creates body dysphoria and gender dysphoria.  If you are wondering what intersex is, please go to this link:  United Nations’ Intersex Fact Sheet.
Being raised the wrong gender, as female, all my life, I have had this obsession over shorter men. More than likely because I was taught at three and four that I was not allowed to be a boy.  It would not be until the last two years of my life that I figured out that I had been lied to!
Starting as a young teen, I even memorized the names of famous, short statured, male actors and rock stars even!  As an unusual teenager posters of some of these shorter men were tacked onto my pink bedroom walls.   Well, obviously you could see why I had this short man obsession!  Now that I appear a little dude, and legally so!   I am absolutely celebrating my life more!
My entire existence has improved!  I have a life now!  I sadly lived the majority of my life with major depression, and being tormented by psychiatry and doctors.  My genuine existence had been completely erased.  Half my life is over now, however I now have HOPE, and can live my genuine and authentic self now!
I hope my story, along with many other stories, is a lesson learned to all the doctors, psychiatrists, and parents out there.  You can read more about me here. 
We do not need fixed! Just let us be please.  Fix Society Please instead!  
 THREE CHEERS to the Self-Determination of our own Gender and Autonomy! 
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Some of my thoughts about the self-determination of gender, that you might be interested in: 
Fix Society I don't have gender dysphoria
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Cosmetic Genital Surgery · Hate Crimes · Human Rights · Human Rights Violations · Intersex Awareness · Prejudice · Relationships · Self-Determination · United Nations

Being rejected by my family because of what I represent when I speak up for my intersex cousin who was mutilated.

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I have an intersex cousin who was born about ten years after me. They allowed a surgeon to cut off their child’s phallus for no good reason. They allowed themselves to be talked into the utterly crazy belief that all there is to being a woman is to be missing a penis.  Worse, this surgeon had no regard to a woman’s genital integrity and her right to orgasm.

The truth is, intersex people exist and the female penis is very real.  If they were even a female, we will never know.  Their chance to self-determine their own gender taken from them too young.  They died broken, very sick, and at nineteen.  I will not refer to them by name.  They never got to share who they were, they never received self-determination.  That human right taken from them by doctors who reinforce a myth, the male and female binary.

Everyone of us is born with a phallic organ, and every human has one for a reason, and the reason is not always reproduction.  It is for sexual pleasure.  Most humans are born with the ability to orgasm, and it is their human right to keep this ability to orgasm!  Not all of us have a phallic organ for reproduction!  Dyadic Females are a good example of this!  The clitoris is a phallic organ.

When they remove the clitoris in third world countries everyone gasps, and yells out “TORTURE”!  Yet, these same surgeries where they cut it down or amputate it,  are called “intersex corrective surgeries” everywhere else, and are allowed to happen in the USA, Australia, Canada, United Kingdom, Ireland, and pretty much everywhere in the world right now.

So, when I called my family to talk about this cousin of mine it was so disheartening. They can’t stand to even look at me.  The phone never rings, I am as good as dead to them now.  I am a double abomination in their Christian eyes.  I went against my assigned gender as female, and I now appear a gay man to this world, and yes my husband and kids are happier.

Their implicit and explicit bias profound, and yes that icky feeling of cataplexy came over me with their judgement and conviction.  Their hate for me now  is a reflection of their hidden shame for agreeing with this surgical torture that was allowed to happen to my cousin.   They did not know better then, but now that they do.  None can look me in the eyes now.

I am now healthier, happier, happy and intact!  My very existence convicts them.  It’s a hell of a sad story, and important cautionary tale, but if they can’t deal with me, it’s really no surprise!

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My promise to this world where I mention my mutilated intersex cousin:  

My New Year Resolution for 2017

Seven Names for the SAME thing: Penis, Phallus, Clitoris, Phalloclitoris, Micropenis, Microphalus, and Clitoromegaly.

The FEMALE PENIS and the MALE VAGINA; and explaining this to our children.

Christian Theologian Megan K. DeFranza, A True Ally and Bridge Builder

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Please read the United Nations’ Intersex Fact Sheet

Stop IGM = Intersex Genital Mutilation 

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Celebrations · Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Human Rights Violations · Intersex Activist · Relationships · Self-Determination

A Note to self: Dear Little Boy, who I used to be

Dear Little Boy, who I used to be,
Please do not believe the lies you were told.  They convinced you that you were born wrong, that you would amount to nothing.   They even convinced you that you would never be lovable as your authentic self.
They told you over and over, from the time you were three and four, that you could never be who you were born as.  They erased your very being, and turned you into something that could never be.  So stop wondering why you failed at being her!  So stop blaming yourself, and doubting yourself.   It is obvious they were the ones with the problem.
Today, you are surrounded by people who believe in you.  They get angry now when they see you reflect the decades of lies, and when you say you are less than and you doubt yourself!  They won’t put up with that shit anymore.  They know you almost did not make it!  They care my friend!
So, give yourself a damn break!  Decades, and decades of abuse is now over!  Their shit, was just that, a pile of stinking lies, that came from complete and utter nonsense.
I know you will not get restitution.  No one broke the law!  Yet, they almost got away with  destroying your complete and total life!
But you my sweet one, will create your own restitution!  You will help change this world, with others who were violated.  You will help change this world, to stop the pain, the suffering and torture around assigning gender.
You can now show this world that you are bold, brave, and courageous!  You can now tell your story about how after being spiritually, psychiatrically and physically demolished that you can survive hell, and still emerge from the dust and the ashes as a phoenix!
You can now show this world that they can be bold, brave, and courageous too! 
The one’s who broke you, were the one’s who were wrong and did wrong!  They are the one’s who have to change now!
Your only job now is to continue your journey, to shut the door on that past, yet never forget where you come from!
Your job now is to keep this tragedy from happening to another innocent little intersex or transgender child, and to promise to be their God Father and Guardian! 
With much self love,  flowing out to you, and over you, little boy.   Feel that self love that you never felt before in your life, until now!
Fly butterfly!  FLY!   Your wings have finally dried!  You are reborn from a mere caterpillar!
I know you can do it, because you are doing it!
Much love and confidence in you new friend!
Sincerely,
Mx. Anunnaki Ray

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Cosmetic Genital Surgery · Cultural Dysphoria · Human Rights · Human Rights Violations · Intersex Awareness · Intersex People · Poems · Self-Determination

Poem: Stop Cutting us With Steel

Stop Cutting us With Steel

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We are not a myth,

We are real.

We are hermaphrodites.

To be cut by blade, and by steel.

To be erased, by this cruel world.

That is threatened by our existence.

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We are not myth,

We are real.

We are hermaphrodites.

That word

HERMAPHRODITE

you even destroyed that too!

Making it a dirty word, a dirty name!

Making an excuse to erase us.

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Telling us we could not be a boy.

Telling us we could not be a girl.

Telling us we could not be both!

To cut it off, to cut it out, to make us infertile, and unable to orgasm.

To lock us up in psychiatric hospitals for being gay or lesbian.

To be surgically erased, or even aborted.

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We are not myth,

We are real.

Stop cutting us with steel.

Is Self-Determination too much to ask for?
Let us walk this Earth again.

Stop stealing from us what is ours.

We are Born Perfect! 

Unknown

Mx. Anunnaki Ray

March, 21, 2017

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Human Rights Violations · Intersex Awareness · Intersex People · Prejudice · Questions and Answers · Self-Determination

How I was medically, and psychiatrically violated as an intersex person.

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I was born in 1967, and assigned a female at birth and on my birth certificate. My medical career as a patient, started at three years old.  It was after they realized they had a boy on their hands, that was not allowed to be a boy. Back then, they called me “perceptionaly handicapped”, and therapy started to teach me I was a girl at three and four years old. I would compare what happened to me as “conversion therapy, but for a child. Although my genitals were never surgically violated, as a teen I would later be greatly harmed by psychiatry, due to John Money being the man of the day for gender assignment, and due to my doctors blaming my gender nonconformity as mental illness since my genitals clearly did not match that of a dyadic male.

Since I was taught to comfort as a girl, when I came out as a gay boy, their solution was to diagnose it, medicate it, and damage my brain with mitochondrial toxic medications. As you can assume my genitals are not in alignment to that of being a typical dyadic boy. However, unlike a trans man, since I am intersex, I can only relate to some things about being transgender and not everything. Most my life, to conform my hormones to that of a typical female I took added female hormones, and androgen blocking medications, so that I would appear more female. My body did not develop like a typical female in many ways. I was born with a metabolic condition related to mitochondrial dysfunction, adrenal insufficiency/non-classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), and poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). My natural sex hormones were never that of a typical human male or female.

The things I did to conform to appearing female almost took my life, stunted my growth,  made me very sick, disabled and in a wheel chair for many years even. I would not find the means or courage to emancipate my true gender until October of 2014, and at forty-six years old. Instead of saying “transition”, I say I “reclaimed my true gender”. Back then, I stopped doing what doctors had prescribed and would later be patient abandoned for being a “non-compliant patient”. This lead to our going bankrupt, losing our house, and traveling the country to find “safe doctors”. Due to my medical complexity I could not simply just find a transgender friendly doctor. It was very difficult to find medical care that would help me recover my health from true government approved disability.

In Florida, I finally found two doctors that are willing to medically help me with my self-determined hormone levels, and issues I have with my metabolism, adrenals and strange ovaries. I also, now collaborate with Judi Herring, M.D., my colleague, in educating and speaking out about intersex and the right to the self-determination of gender.  Here is her TEDx Talk:  Gender Bound: Lessons from the World Between.  My husband of twenty-eight years and three children, and I will never get restitution.   In some ways I remain disabled as a result permanent injury to my brain and body. However, with better medical interventions I now can work again, am out of my wheel chair, and have rehabilitated significantly.

I now work as a pirate performer, and for the Black Raven Pirate Ship, as Pirate Antonio Phoenix. I am also a St. Augustine Swashbuckler, a pirate group that does fundraising for childhood organizations, such as Make A Wish Foundation and Dreams Come True. Most important though, I now educate students, doctors, psychiatrists, teachers and my followers on Facebook and Twitter, about us intersex people and how we are being violated.

It is my hope that the United Nations request for intersex human rights is respected, in the USA, and all around this world.  It is my hope that better laws are created to protect all of us.   I know too many people whom have been violated, and are not happy, and suffer great loss.  I believe that the self-determination of gender is a human right.  Right now only two countries, Malta and Chile, have honored the United Nation’s request to stop the surgical assignment of gender on intersex babies.  It is obvious that we have only just begun.

Here is the United Nations’ Intersex Fact Sheet

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My Related blogs:  

Am I Angry I was raised a Girl?

The difference between transgender and intersex and the harm that wrong language can bring

Am I Transgender? Can an intersex person be transgender?

Thank you for visiting my intersex story

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