Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Intersex Awareness · Self-Determination

Once assigned female: I am very proud to be a little man now!

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Sharing my thoughts for today, and something that might surprise you!
Lots of guys might have shame being a shorter stature. According to statistics a man is “short”, if they come in under 5’7″ in the USA. I am 5’5″! I have absolutely no shame or body dysphoria. I know I am fortunate that way!
So many people with non-conforming bodies, and atypical genitals are not so fortunate. Be it if we are born intersex with natural bodily variations, or call ourselves transgender, this world can be a cruel cold place for those of us who have bodies that do not conform to “typical”.  This sometimes creates body dysphoria and gender dysphoria.  If you are wondering what intersex is, please go to this link:  United Nations’ Intersex Fact Sheet.
Being raised the wrong gender, as female, all my life, I have had this obsession over shorter men. More than likely because I was taught at three and four that I was not allowed to be a boy.  It would not be until the last two years of my life that I figured out that I had been lied to!
Starting as a young teen, I even memorized the names of famous, short statured, male actors and rock stars even!  As an unusual teenager posters of some of these shorter men were tacked onto my pink bedroom walls.   Well, obviously you could see why I had this short man obsession!  Now that I appear a little dude, and legally so!   I am absolutely celebrating my life more!
My entire existence has improved!  I have a life now!  I sadly lived the majority of my life with major depression, and being tormented by psychiatry and doctors.  My genuine existence had been completely erased.  Half my life is over now, however I now have HOPE, and can live my genuine and authentic self now!
I hope my story, along with many other stories, is a lesson learned to all the doctors, psychiatrists, and parents out there.  You can read more about me here. 
We do not need fixed! Just let us be please.  Fix Society Please instead!  
 THREE CHEERS to the Self-Determination of our own Gender and Autonomy! 
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Some of my thoughts about the self-determination of gender, that you might be interested in: 
Fix Society I don't have gender dysphoria
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Celebrations · Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Human Rights Violations · Intersex Activist · Relationships · Self-Determination

A Note to self: Dear Little Boy, who I used to be

Dear Little Boy, who I used to be,
Please do not believe the lies you were told.  They convinced you that you were born wrong, that you would amount to nothing.   They even convinced you that you would never be lovable as your authentic self.
They told you over and over, from the time you were three and four, that you could never be who you were born as.  They erased your very being, and turned you into something that could never be.  So stop wondering why you failed at being her!  So stop blaming yourself, and doubting yourself.   It is obvious they were the ones with the problem.
Today, you are surrounded by people who believe in you.  They get angry now when they see you reflect the decades of lies, and when you say you are less than and you doubt yourself!  They won’t put up with that shit anymore.  They know you almost did not make it!  They care my friend!
So, give yourself a damn break!  Decades, and decades of abuse is now over!  Their shit, was just that, a pile of stinking lies, that came from complete and utter nonsense.
I know you will not get restitution.  No one broke the law!  Yet, they almost got away with  destroying your complete and total life!
But you my sweet one, will create your own restitution!  You will help change this world, with others who were violated.  You will help change this world, to stop the pain, the suffering and torture around assigning gender.
You can now show this world that you are bold, brave, and courageous!  You can now tell your story about how after being spiritually, psychiatrically and physically demolished that you can survive hell, and still emerge from the dust and the ashes as a phoenix!
You can now show this world that they can be bold, brave, and courageous too! 
The one’s who broke you, were the one’s who were wrong and did wrong!  They are the one’s who have to change now!
Your only job now is to continue your journey, to shut the door on that past, yet never forget where you come from!
Your job now is to keep this tragedy from happening to another innocent little intersex or transgender child, and to promise to be their God Father and Guardian! 
With much self love,  flowing out to you, and over you, little boy.   Feel that self love that you never felt before in your life, until now!
Fly butterfly!  FLY!   Your wings have finally dried!  You are reborn from a mere caterpillar!
I know you can do it, because you are doing it!
Much love and confidence in you new friend!
Sincerely,
Mx. Anunnaki Ray

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Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Intersex Awareness · Intersex Erasure · Poems

Poem: I am a Boxphobe!

This poem was inspired after an amazing conversation with Judi Herring, M.D., the creator of the TEDx Talk: Gender Bound, Lessons From the World Between.

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Yup, I am a Boxphobe!

PINK can be for boys!

and

BLUE can be for girls!

and

The RAINBOW is for HUMAN!

¤¤¤¤

Yup, I am a Boxphobe!

Do not call intersex a disorder.

Intersex is naturally occurring

and

we simply have

natural bodily variations.

Yup, I am a Boxphobe! 

I don’t like the word woman

Because some of us are womb men.

And some of us have an amazing female penis,

and want to keep it!

¤¤¤¤

Yup, I am a Boxphobe! 

I don’t like the word man

Because some of us have a mangina,

Yup, that amazing man’s vagina!

Some men even have breasts,

and want to keep their man boobs

¤¤¤¤

Yup, I am a Boxphobe!  

I don’t like the word transgender

If we are all born this way

there is no transition.

We simply reclaim and emancipate our

OWN self-determined gender.

Society does not dictate our

hormones or the surgeries.

That is up to us not society.

End Cultural Dysphoria please!

¤¤¤¤

Yup, I am a Boxphobe! 

I don’t like the word autism

or mental illness either

If we all had neuro-typical minds

What a boring world it would be!

¤¤¤¤

Yup, I am a Boxphobe! 

Why cramming us all into just  two boxes,

male and female when we are born?

Why cramming us  all into a diagnosis?

¤¤¤¤

TRUTH: 

So that they can justify mutilating our genitals.

So that they can justify taking away our fertility.

So that they can justify damaging our bodies and brains with poison.

So that they can justify aborting us

before we even take our first breath.

Genocide

Eugenics

STOP ERASING US! 

We are simply a  

VARIETY OF HUMAN!

We are all NATURALLY Occurring! 

Yup, I am a Boxphobe!

¤¤¤¤

By Mx. Anunnaki Ray 

February 8th, 2017 

 

 

Note: The term “Mangina” came from Buck Angel.  Also, phrases, “The Female Penis”  “reclaiming one’s gender” , Cultural Dysphoria ,  and the “emancipation of one’s true gender”, are things I have been saying to try to teach this world.  I also like “Variety of Human”, and the United Nations likes “Natural Bodily Variations”.

Thank you for helping me change culture, and save lives! 

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Bridge Building · Celebrations · Emancipation · Freedom · Gender Nonconforming · Human Rights Violations · Intersex Activist · Intersex Awareness · Questions and Answers · Relationships

The two of us, born intersex and named ‘Antoinette’ at our birth.

God-incidence or Serendipity? 

What ever you call it, it felt like a miracle.  

I was finally coming to terms with who I was as a human being.  This was after having a life time of not feeling real, and being thrown away by many doctors, therapist and psychiatrists, who had tried to ‘fix me’.  

I was an Intersex human being.  Not male, not female, something in between.

The fact is, back in the late 60’s, when I was born I was assigned a girl.  My mother had once shared she wanted a little boy named Anthony, but instead she would have to turn that name into:

Antoinette

My nickname as a teen ‘girl’ would later become

Toni and Ant

Little did anyone know, somewhere around the world in Australia, another miracle was born intersex.  They too were named a girls name, and assigned female and that name was: 

Antoinette 

And their nickname would later become

Tony

And here we were, meeting on Facebook for the first time, March 2015, and have become dear friends ever since!  Wow! 

Here is that story: It was October 2014, when I finally decided I would never do the things to conform as a typical women ever again.  I had gotten very sick and disabled.  Doctors did not know how to help me, and most had given up on me and  I had gotten used to be patient abandoned for not wanting to endure their medical regimen. I quickly became sexually taboo.

I did not want to lose my beauty.  I always felt like an androgynous person.  I emerge from  a wheelchair, and a cane.  Disability had become my reality.  I was sleeping in my house, up to sixteen hours a day in a hospital bed, because I could not even lay down flat anymore.  I felt I might die.  I received my disability by my country even.  I wished for death, that is for sure, and everyone who knew me back then knew how sick I had become.

I then figured out I could get better eating a special diet and by changing my hormones and by honoring my own truth. Soon after that I started to search other people born intersex like me.  There they were, the two articles about Tony Briffa, from Australia.

At first glance, I did not see the coincidence at first.  

I read, and there it was, their birth name:

Antoinette 

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When Tony Briffa was seven years old doctors in Australia made a choice that was never theirs to make – castration.
Tony was born with healthy testes, as well as a vagina, and doctors decided it made more sense for Tony to live life as a woman – called Antoinette.
But Tony – who was born intersex – never felt comfortable being a woman, or a man for that matter.
“Nature – many would say God – made me a healthy hermaphrodite… I tried my best to be a woman but I couldn’t keep up the lie forever. Something was going to give.
“At 30 I rejected what the doctors had done to me and started living life as a man. I was open about my past, about the way I was born, and what doctors had done to me. Now, at the age of 44, I am comfortable explaining I am both a man and a woman,” Tony tells Times of Malta.

Taken from: ‘Healthy Hermaphrodite’ is both man and woman

And another one about Tony Briffa

At birth, Tony Briffa’s doctors couldn’t determine his gender. He had a rare intersex condition known as Incomplete Testicular Feminisation that made his gonads release estrogen even though he genetically tested as male. So on his doctor’s advice his parents raised him as a girl named Antoinette—they painted his room pink, gave him dolls at Christmas and made him wear frilly dresses to school.

The frequent hospital visits for hormone therapy and surgery made him feel like a freak: his parents had him castrated at age seven and even though he told his doctors as a pre-teen that he felt like a boy, they ignored him and continued administering female hormone therapy, something that filled him with desperation and thoughts of suicide as he entered his teenage years.

Taken from: The Amazing Heartbreaking Story of Tony Briffa, The World’s First Openly Intersex Mayor

That day I wrote Tony.  I was confused back then after being guided by misinformed doctors and psychiatrist.  My first notes to them no doubt reflected such confusion.  To my doctors here, I remain a disorder, a syndrome and a medical condition.  They were  even trying to convince me I was transgender.   The medical system in the USA can be very confused about intersex and gender.

I knew one thing, without permission from those who had been surgically violated, I was not going to use the word “intersex”or “hermaphrodite”.   My heart was secretly broken by what has happened to their bodies surgically, without consent as a child.   I did not want to offend anyone.  I had been violated, but it had been mostly by psychiatry.  My physical body remains whole, what would they say?

So, with much bravery I also reached out to six amazing people born intersex: Tony Briffa, along with Tiger Devore, Ph.D.,  Cary Costello, Hida Viloria, Gavan H. Coleman, and Pidgeon Pagonis.  Six of the most tolerant and loving people I have ever met on this Earth.  Around that same time my path would also cross with Judi Herring, M.D., who had created the TEDx months before meeting me: Gender Bound, Lessons from the World Between.   This too, will always feel like a god-incidence and serendipity!  Judi and I have been working together ever since September 2015.  Together we have done public talks, speaking to schools, visiting the city council, and have even spoken to the human rights commissioner here in our city.  We have become very dear and close friends.

Wow, with the opinion of all of them,  I  learned that I was not born a “freak”,  a “disorder”, “syndrome”,  or “condition”, and I surely  was not “mentally derange”!  With that permission, and blessing form all of them, and with Judi Herring, M.D. standing by my side,  I became empowered!  I decided to tell the world I too was born intersex, and share my intersex story .  It has been a huge honor to add  my message to theirs in ending tragedy from happening to one more innocent child.

One thing that is most amazing, is that all of us have two big things in common.   First, we all find it very special that we were all born BOTH  male and female, and most of all we like to celebrate it.   All of us are also  gender nonconforming too,  but in different ways!   To me that is serendipity at it’s best!  

The second thing we have in common, is we all have over came so much trauma, due not conforming to the male and female binary.  With that experience and pain, each of us have taken all that ugliness, and all our  bad experiences,  and now help the world with it. 

So there you have it!  

Two people born with natural bodily variations, known as INTERSEX, with the same birth name

Antoinette!  

Planet Earth is an amazing small place when you start to think about it!   

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Mx. Anunnaki Ray November 2016

Thank you for visiting my intersex story!  

You can read here:  Why did I named myself Anunnaki Ray.

Please also visit the UNITED NATIONS’ INTERSEX FACT SHEET, to learn more about intersex violations and what you personally can do yo help us end it. 

UNITED WE WILL CHANGE THIS WORLD!


End Note:  An intersex person can have any gender identity, and any sexual orientation.   Also, our biological sex does not equal our gender.  I believe that the Self-determination of Gender is our Human Right, and that our sexuality should not be decided for us as children,  our parents, by medical, psychological experts, or the government.   


You can watch Tony Briffa here with their life story here: 

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Emancipation · Hope · Relationships

Yes, I was a cutter.

 

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-9-09-27-pmI was a cutter. I want to own “was” a cutter, because I do not want to feed that monster no more. Triggers can sometimes bring back this self-destructive behavior.  Being born intersex, and not being able to be my authentic gender, messed me up bad.  You see, I was assigned a girl, when I was never a girl.

My cutting was the worse during my strange adolescence.  While cisgender  boys were becoming men, and cisgender girls were becoming woman.  My body did not develop ordinarily so, and I definitely did not feel I was a girl.

With much psychiatric intervention, several times I went through, and survived, what would now be called “conversion therapy”.    Everyone wanted to assure I remain a girl!  After all the experts at the time of my birth had to know, right?   After all, how could a body like mine be a boy, let alone, and God forbid a gay boy!  Thankfully I woke up to options, that would later save my life.  You can read about me HERE.

I suffered horrendous emotional abuse from those who were supposed to protect me the most; my family.  My parents were not given the proper support to raise an intersex child, so they were easily bullied and guided by a misinformed psychological and medical world.  A world, thanks to John Money, who felt you could manipulate gender and sexual orientation by therapy and body shaming.

This lead to my becoming an escape artist, because my self-determination of knowing I was a non-conforming boy, who later identified as “gay” was not honored at all. Through cutting I got relief.

The IRONY of Cutting SAVING MY LIFE! 

Cutting for me, actually saved my life though on many occasions. Oh the ironies of that one! Instead of simply committing suicide, cutting would give me enough relief to some how survive one more day, until I could come to terms with this world that made me invisible.  Some how I have always found that place to want to live again.

Emancipation of my true Gender Stopped the Cutting.

Today, thanks to reclaiming my true gender I am not feeling the need to cut anymore. But of course, it is one day at a time for everything.  I supposed with enough triggers, I could have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and revisit this ugly monster.  I now know to call other cutters for help though.  It is a small world, and cutters come in all genders, shapes and sizes.  Related poems:

Poem: Dear Dad, Invisible is no way to live.
Poem: And Once the Storm is Over, I was Buried Alive
Poem: What happens when they raise a boy, a girl?

If You Have Been Brutaly Broken... Nikita Gill

I was born perfect, and I am lovable. Thank you, United Nations.

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Celebrations · Emancipation · Freedom · Human Rights · Self-Determination

A fun blog: Limahl, Adam Ant, Chris Kattan, Pete Burns, and me!

As a teen “girl”, in the 80’s all the short rock stars and movie stars haunted me and intrigued me at the same time.  Limahl was one of them.  He was in the group, Kajagoogoo, as well as being a musician on his own.  He haunted me because I was not allowed to be a boy.  I obsessed over shorter guys, because if I had been allowed to be a boy, I would be “short”.  Society would not allow me to be my true gender.  I had the 80’s hair, the clothes, but not my true gender.  As a teen musician, I fantasized about becoming a male rock star too.

Limahl Pinterest

Adam Ant, is much taller, at 5’8″; but Limahl is only 5’6″, like me.   I had the most fun dressing like Adam Ant though.  Adam Ant, was and is, a nonconformist.   I am still a nonconformist, and will always be.  Back then, I was obviously searching out guys, that match who I was, so that I could imagine myself as existing.

Adam Ant

Next, Chris Kattan, is my size too, at 5’6″.  He is in my favorite movie also: “A Night at the Roxbury”. In that movie they used the song: “What is love” by Haddaway.  I have “What is Love” as my ringtone.  I do everything I can these days to celebrate my re-birth, and the emancipation of my true self.  Hey!  Pretty good for being a “teen boy” at forty-eight years old!  Just so you know, when we reclaim ourselves, or go into transition, to our true gender, we go into hormonal adolescence.  That is why I just called myself a teen boy.

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Chris Kattan Fashion Awards

My parents tried to sway me from my dreams.  They convinced me that I would starve or “amount to nothing” if I became a musician.  I was amazingly talented as a musician though.  I played alto saxophone, piano, synthesizer and even the alto and soprano recorders.  I received awards for my music achievements, and for the compositions I wrote.   I was also talented with my art, and received awards for that too.  Not sure why my parents assumed I would have starved to death.

Regardless, I am now proud to  be a little man, a short man, a handsome man.  It has taken me much time to be able to own myself as REAL.  Some even think I am a beautiful man.  Which I find delightful, since Pete Burns, of Dead or Alive, was also someone I treasured and looked up to when growing up.  Back in the 80’s he was no doubt a beautiful, gender non-conforming, androgynous man like me.

Pete Burns

I have much relief to not allow the medical system, or culture rule my existence.  Special (gender taboo) doctors and therapists now help me.   Along with reclaiming my true gender, I am now trying to get my music and art back too.  I am also trying to find work for the first time as my true self.  Which is not easy in a prejudice country, but I am trying.

Most of all, I can be ME now.  It was not too late for me.  I thankfully did not die from medical neglect, or suicide.  I survived it!   Don’t give up on your dreams, no matter who you are, or how old you are!

The Self-Determination of our gender is our HUMAN RIGHT!  We are human

 

About me:  Mx. Anunnaki Ray

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Emancipation · Freedom · Poems · Questions and Answers · Self-Determination

Poem: I am not….. I am…..

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I wrote this poem to help explain who I truly am and to invite clarity for the many who seem confused when they describe me incorrectly using words that stuff me into stereotypical boxes:

 

I am not the bearded woman

But thank you

For letting me know I am beautiful

><

I am not a transgender man

But thank you

For letting me know that you see a man

><

I am not a transgender woman

But thank you

For realizing that not all women have to shave their face

><

I AM an Intersex Person

This means my body  was born a mix of

Both male and female traits

><

I am not a cisgender person

The authorities messed up when I was born

I was assigned the wrong gender

And they marked the wrong box 

On my birth-certificate!

><

I am

Reclaiming my true gender

I am not

In transition.

><

I am

Intergender

I am Androgynous

And will not conform

To

The male/female binary 

><

I am not

A girl

I am not

Your sister

I was never

A wife

And

I was never

a

Mother

><

I AM

A  man

Your brother

A

Husband

And

A

Seahorse Dad! 

And someday

HOPE

To be a

Grandfather!

By Mx. Anunnaki Ray

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I am a SEAHORSE Dad

Note:  Just like anyone else, intersex people can have any gender (our personality and the way we relate to being male and female).  Some can be cisgender, transgender, male, female, non-binary, intergender, and the list goes on.  Also, just like anyone else, intersex people can have any sexual orientation (who we love), and they can have any gender expression (the way they dress).   Last, an intersex person can have the biological sex of male, female or  sometimes claim their biological sex as intersex.  Last, please note, that with any human, gender and biological sex are not the same. We are like anyone else, we are all different, we are all human.

Helpful LGBTQIA+ Definitions

The Difference Between my Biological Sex and My Gender.

Mx. Anunnaki Ray and They, Them, Their