In 2014, I virtually met a man, who dealt with some of the same metabolic problems as ours. Facebook had connected him to me through a support group I used to run. I was his first contact who dealt with this same condition of ours.
At the time I was pretty much roommates with my husband. There was no intimacy at all between my husband and me due to doctors taking away my sexuality. I was an impotent female. We were mostly in an asexual marriage for two decades, from 1994 to 2014.
This man, who ended up helping me, lived in a different country than mine, and we were both suicidal and very lonely. He suffered horribly, physically and mentally, and so did I. He would talk about ending his life and how he would do it. It saddened me greatly. For my next plan to end my life was not going to be a cry for help.
One night he shared that he felt he was not a typical man, but that he felt like a lesbian trapped in a hairy man’s body. He was a short man like me, so that too made an immediate connection for me. All my life, when I appeared female, I have compared myself to shorter guys, wishing I could be them.
Much of what he said sent lightning bolts into me. If he could feel like a lesbian, I definitely could feel like a gay man! I have felt like a gay man since I was a teen! But felt how could I be, if I was supposedly female?
I was raised a girl, told to say I was a girl, and here I was. Hearing for the first time that sexual orientation had nothing to do with my gender or my intersex genitals.
All the therapist who had tried to help me, since adolescence, I could not understand this simple truth. To them, if I wanted to be with a guy, meant I had to be female for sure! I now know that intersex people are like anyone else. We can have any sexual orientation, and we can have any gender.
I will never break anonymity or share this person’s name, but I will forever have gratitude for this person being one of the first to unlock me from my inner prison of shame, for being a gay man.
So my next step was to investigate what he had said, and that is when I discovered Buck Angel, a famous transgender man. I was also graced with a few new friends who listened with care and helped me. I was drowning to death appearing female to this world. From there, I found LGBT therapists, and safe doctors to help me reclaim my true gender, my physical health, and take care of my sexual impotence.
I have since met thousands of others, like me, who are attracted to guys, as intersex men, transgender men, and cisgender men! I treasure all my new gay friendships like gold. At the age of forty-six years old, my world had finally opened up to me. It all made sense now!
I CAN EXIST NOW!
I dedicate this blog to QUEEN – Bohemian Rhapsody
Lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody:
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go
A little high, little low
Anyway, the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, to me
Mama just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away
Didn’t mean to make you cry
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo (anyway the wind blows)
I don’t want to die
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all
I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me
Gallileo Figaro – magnifico
But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come easy go will you let me go
Bismillah! No we will not let you go – let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go – let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go let me go
Will not let you go let me go (never)
Never let you go let me go
Never let me go ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh baby can’t do this to me baby
Just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me
Anyway the wind blows
Related blogs, I wrote, on this topic: