Sometimes intersex friends share with me things that they want more people to read. Here is a letter to you, from a beloved intersex friend of mine. She writes to you about being assigned wrong, coerced as a nonconsenting child into surgery, and forced the wrong hormones. She was never supposed to be a boy or a man. She later empowers herself, emancipating her true gender identity and sex as a woman and female.
A letter to anyone who has read into my blog knows I have and am battling issues. I am trying to accept myself and grow into a healed person ,the fully realized woman I was born to be.
My main issue is my family made me feel insecure and uncomfortable in being a biological female and that somehow I am a freak or odd, which ultimately led me to kinda adopting some of those same views for the majority of my life. It is impossible to think that if my family didn’t other me, and treat me as a weird freak that I myself would at this very moment feel as I do. My discomfort with being me stems from before I have memory. They would argue it is not their fault for the poor choices. They would argue it was confusing for them, they didn’t understand about intersex, and they didn’t know what to do, or how to care for me.
Well, clearly yelling at me, beating me, treating me like an animal, and forcing me to see doctors who treated me more like a science experiment than human didn’t help me — their daughter. Also never admitting that it was wrong to force FtM (female to male) treatments on me against my protest. It’s funny advocates for trans kids always argue with those saying safeguards need to be in place so that things aren’t done too soon. I mean, what would a kid know, right? Yet no such protection exists for intersex kids. In fact, the medical community is still arguing with intersex advocates because they are split on early intervention vs waiting. What’s the split?
My life is the result of getting it wrong, these are mistakes that can’t be taken back and ruin lives and families! But did they my family or doctors listen to me or my feelings, of course not– what would this stupid medical oddity know about themselves they couldn’t. My parents and doctors followed the John Money method: early correction, firm commitment, and letting medical science do the rest.
Much of my fear and insecurities I am fighting with are the same ones I always had from before I could remember, which is why I thought they were me! I’m unlovable, I’m not normal, I ruined my family by being born, I’m gonna die with no one to even mourn me If I ever got married, I have no one to invite, I’m not good enough to be loved I deserved what happened to me If my own family can’t respect me what likelihood will anybody.
For many intersex conditions when discovered before birth, doctors recommend abortion. I had called my oldest friend to discuss, and she said she understood, and it would be mercy, look how much you have suffered. A part of me died hearing that from someone I respect and love. I am the result of an abusive rapist dad who wanted nothing to do with me. My father was relieved when he didn’t have to see me anymore, at least because he didn’t get any jail time for the abuse. I mean, don’t go too easy on him, judge. And a mother who was equally going through a rough time. She tried to escape the difficulty of being a single mother on welfare with a family that shunned her for a teenage pregnancy and poor life choices by using drugs and taking an easy way out.
What examples were they supposed to set for me? Thus I turned to shows like Batman the animated series and Xena warrior princess as some sorta how to kick ass when coming from difficulty: You can go through insane trauma and come out a hero. I can be unusual and hurting, but I can at least make the world a better place if I am: noble, good, live for a cause, commit myself to my code, and remember maybe failures will come, but to have never tried is worse, never surrender the moral high ground. What’s interesting is it has turned me into a quite successful person on paper: degrees, talent, a decent job, straight edge, on the path to medical school, saved countless people as an EMT and search and rescue volunteer, I tutor the underprivileged, and on occasion work on a mental illness suicide prevention web program.
But I made a core mistake in this, I thought I needed the pathos of Batman always feeling powerless to save his parents and those around him, the alienation of Xena, the pain of her horrific past forcing her forever forward because she seeks to be redeemed but cannot forgive or forget her past. News flash, I’m not a fictional character, I’m a human living in this has caused me much suffering. I can still do all the things I am doing but because I love doing it and enjoy helping people. I don’t need pathos to justify my neuroticism and keep living virtuously. I shouldn’t torment myself to do the right thing or view myself as worthless aside for the good works I do. I can work on what hurts me, the person that needs fixing. I can become a fully realized individual, so I will hopefully not just look good on paper but honestly be someone people can enjoy being around. Easier said than done, but I’m finally working on it, so that’s a start. I haven’t failed at any challenges I have faced.
Love the one and only Anya Kylie
What inspired this letter – How to Get Your Parents Out of Your Head: https://youtu.be/GVuPCzGkUnc