Intersex Awareness Day, is October 26th, 2015, and this day marks one year since the Emancipation of my spirit. It marks the day I decide to escape the cultural entrapment and social expectations of living and appearing as female when I was never female.
This day marks the day, my spirit was able to fully return to my body. At the time I was rehabilitating from a wheelchair, sleeping over 16 hours a day, was overweight, had autonomic dysfunction, severe neuropathy, cataplexy, and narcolepsy, taking countless drugs, using a cane and was very female appearing. My condition of intersex is related to a complex metabolic condition that is very difficult for doctors to understand. I was taking finasteride, progesterone, fludrocortisone, prednisone, and beta-blockers. I was very physically and emotionally sick. If I could not get better and live differently, I was committing suicide, and it was not going to be a cry for help. It would be more like a form of euthanasia! A mercy killing. I would not live with that pain no more.
It was Intersex Awareness Day, October 26, 2014. At the time I gave no attention to that little detail. I never even knew that day existed yet. I had always thought of myself as broken. I did not even own the word intersex yet. I was a Defect of Sexual Development; I was a disease, a syndrome. And was taught to believe I was insane to think myself a boy at three and as a teen.
I was hurting too much to care. I would discover later the significance of that day, and it was a profound discovery, a burning bush moment and a God-incidence! It was no doubt a message from the universe, to tell me I should spare my life!
I like to connect and help others through Facebook, especially within the autism and mitochondrial disease community. But this time, social media, guided me to a very special transsexual man, Buck Angel, and I had written him regarding my pain around living as a female.
Being obsessed with Facebook I had to check it one last time before I took the deadly cocktail….and there it was his reply! With his message to me, Buck Angel helped to give me my spark back and his life story filled me with hope. I share my message to him, in a screenshot, that he shared on his page on Transgender Remembrance Day in 2014; and then below his message, he sent to me that would hand me my purpose and save my life:
“Hi Ant, the world will miss you so please dont go….Thank you for this email. Life can be so damn hard at times. But know this. I survived and you can too. It is not easy I know this. Sometimes it feels like its easy just to die. But it is not. You have a message that is so important for everyone in this word. Help me to help make change by sticking around and you will see how important you are to me and the world. You are loved my friend. With gratitude, Buck”
Once again, a heart warmed THANK YOU to BUCK ANGEL, for helping me to spare my life, and for helping so many, and for making this world a better place!
I end this blog with U2’s “Invisible”.
This has been my favorite song this first year rehabilitating from significant illness and reclaiming my true gender. I hope that this message shows others, they can survive too. The suicide rate for transgender people is 41%. There are no known statistics for the number of intersex people who have ended their life if brought up the wrong gender. If you are hurting please know there are people who care. You can survive too!
To learn more about me, please explore my web page.
Here is My Autobiography.