What happens when they raise a boy, a girl?
By Anunnaki Ray
I have been watched over by angels, since they took away my right
The angels must have known that I would need them every night.
For it was then I could hardly breathe. Knowing but not knowing I was being violated, but I was so young.
They say a four year old could NOT know their gender, but they are so damn wrong!
They confused the hell out of me, but I knew it all along.
Therapist and doctors forcing me to realize.
Pulling out their dolls, to prove to me what I had was not the “right stuff”
Knowing damn well what was “necessary” to be a boy. I had to face it, being bathed with my little brother.
How could you allow them to do this to me, mother?
How could I escape this mess, this world put me in? Feeling more and more like a visiting alien.
In adolescence, I saw those beautiful androgynous rock stars. Oh, how my being ached to be them, and to escape this mess.
My first thoughts of suicide were at four; it just grew as I feminized more. Don’t you dare tell me at four we do not know!
Don’t you dare tell me I was wrong! That’s when I found out about “real girls”, I was NOTHING like them!
I feared I would suffocate to death when they made me be a girl. Escaping in a cloud of wishing I could be “him”. Sleeping every chance I could, because I NEVER dreamed female.
Night became my enemy. The silence of the night, terrible when so hopeless and alone. Until dreams would take me to that place where I could finally be “him”.
My mom could not rescue me. It was always half measures. Pink bows, lace, mixed with Tonka Trucks, saxophones, piano, combat boots, Mohawks and spiders.
A little relief from Cos Play! Or did those who did not get it, label it “cross dressing”? I have even been called transgender. For you thought I was a female!
My friend, you were not the only one lied to!
Is it truly a wonder to why I felt a gay and non-binary guy back then and now?
Of course not!
This is what happens when you raise a boy a girl.
By Anunnaki Ray Marquez
December 2015
This poem is dedicated to:
THE WHO – I’m a Boy created, ironically the year I was born, 1967
The song was originally intended to be a part of a rock opera called ‘Quads’ which was to be set in the future where parents can choose the sex of their children. The idea was later scrapped, but this song survived and was later released as a single. The song is about a family who “order” four girls, but a mistake is made and three girls and one boy are delivered instead. The boy dreams of partaking in sports and other boy-type activities, but his mother forces him to act like his sisters and refuses to believe the truth. (There by the refrain: “I’m a boy, I’m a boy, but my Mum won’t admit it…”).
THE WHO – I’m a Boy
Lyrics to: “I’m A Boy”
One little girl was called Jean-Marie
Another little girl was called Felicity
Another little girl was Sally-Joy
The other was me
And I’m a Boy
My name is Bill and I’m a head case
They practice making-up on my face
Yeah I feel lucky if I get trousers to wear
Spend days just taking hairpins from my hair
I’m a boy, I’m a boy
But my ma won’t admit it
I’m a boy, I’m a boy
But if I say I am
I get it
Put your frock on, Jean-Marie
Plait your hair, Felicity
Paint your nails little Sally-Joy
Put this wig on little boy
I’m a boy, I’m a boy
But my ma won’t admit it
I’m a boy, I’m a boy
But if I say I am
I get it
I wanna play cricket on the green
Ride my bike across the street
Cut myself and see my blood
I wanna come home all covered in mud
I’m a boy I’m a boy
But my ma won’t admit it
I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy
I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy, I’m a boy
I’m a boy, I’m a Boy
I’m, A, Boy!
~.V.~
Mx. Anunnaki Ray Marquez 