I have already achieved what most spiritualist want to achieve and that is realizing we are more than just our physical body. I already have lived celibate, impotent, and with a body so “broken” that I would vanish into the spirit realm. I did this the first forty-six years of my life.
During that time I lived in my mind, through my talents, and in my intellect.
When I dreamed, I dreamed I was male; when I awoke, I appeared female to this world. I mastered meditation, but some skeptics might have called it dissociation. I developed narcolepsy even and slept most of the day away. I call what I did survival. Society had created these constraints the day I was born.
I was to live as a female when I was not female.
It did not matter the cost. It was my societal duty to be everything female.
Yet, I was never whole.
Then my physical body started declining and it got so bad I could no longer participate in my family life even. I faced certain death, for I was on death row and felt terminal.
During that time my spirit fractured from my physical being.
My fight for survival was huge though. I had nothing to lose now. “She” was dying and most had abandoned us already due to the chronic illness. What would it matter if they assumed I was more of a freak? So I leaped from a plane this time last year. I was going to become my true self.
I am a non-conforming, androgynous guy and this is how it felt, it felt like I was jumping from a plane without a parachute.
If my husband, my closest friends, councilors, and doctors did not try to save me; I was going to hit the ground. It was over.
BUT
They grabbed hold of me. Most of all, my husband grabbed hold of me. I am lucky. Too many are not making it when the error in our gender is made. For one reason; “they” claim our genitals wrong.
You have to realize that this is the first time in my life that I was ever allowed to be who I was meant to be all along, hormonally and physically appearing male to this world. This last year, I looked in the mirror, and I saw a man emerge.
I became whole for the first time.
I have so much anger around these circumstances. I get no restitution. I was to be raised a girl. You see, no one broke the law. Thank God, my husband of twenty-seven years did not leave me. It is rare that a spouse or partner sticks around.
I am lucky I did not take my life. There are people who care; if you are as hopeless as I use to be please find help. It is possible.
Anything is possible
And
ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL! No Body Is Shameful!
I dedicate this blog to Cold Play’s “Fix You”:
~.V.~
Mx. Anunnaki Ray Marquez 